The Gate...

Portsea Christmas 2011

It is almost 6 months since you stepped through The Gate...
And still your secrets haunt me...
I feel my guilt...
I should have explored further...

I should have helped you to feel at ease...
to share the lonely heartaches of your other lives...
endless boarding schools from a very young age...
being bullied at Scarborough...
leaving St Helens for New Zealand at the age of 18...
by choice
(as you told me...inspired by a man who had been there...)
or really
the 'push' of parents...
a father who you said once told you that you were
'not planned'
'not wanted'
and yet...
Your sister tells me that your father cried when you sailed away????...
and then
being trapped and feeling second rate
in a religiously tight marriage in New Zealand
(that was a recent shock ...to even know it existed)
feeling the need to lie about your incessant gambling addictions
(the extent, the repercussions only visible and felt recently too)
cleaning trains by night just to get by
after the slash and burn of all you owned...

I never knew...
I never knew...

all I see now is
your desperate struggle for identity
for acceptance
for love

I believe I understand you now more than ever...
I hope you sense that...
I hope you feel my love...
More than ever...



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Sometimes it feels good to unravel and make sense of tangled feelings...even if it hurts...